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Dr Chen called us and asked us to come in today. It’s a day before our appointment to get the catscan results. That alone told us we were not getting good news.

She brought us in to an exam room. Will was sitting to my left. I waddled and fell in to a chair. My feet are so swollen today. Dr. Chen introduces to two earnest looking “doctors’. They are residents. Dr. Chen looks grim. She took a breath. This is not cancer in the gum. It’s a tumor that started in Will’s left sinus that has grown in to the gum and his jawbone. Stage four a classification of tumor that has spread. There is no “Stage Five”. This is as bad as it gets. I looked up at Dr. Chen and she sobbed. A quick intake of breath and then I saw the stoic composure of a surgeon. It’s not good when your scan makes your surgeon cry. I wonder for a moment why she would invite two residents to witness this? What sort of teaching moment was she aiming for? She shows us his scan. and I see a grey cloudy mass in the middle of Will’s skull—his sinus cavity. I could feel my heart stop. Can your heart actually stop? In the bone? Stage four? 40% chance of five year survivability. Only 30,000 people a year get this cancer? Aggressive radiation. Chemo? We should start right away.

Do everything we can. WHAT???!!! We started to cry. I was sobbing. Will and I leaned in to each other. The sliding doors open and a woman walks by. I only heard her. She whispered “Have faith.” Have FAITH?

It’s five in the morning and I’ve just woken up and can feel Will’s warmth. He’s sleeping in one of his soft old t-shirts. It’s the kind with tiny holes—a shirt that is warm and comforting but starting to unravel just a little bit at a time.

I called the control room where I knew Jodi was just about to start her show. It’s one of the only benefits of having a best friend up at that hour. I knew the show was about to start, but I had to talk to her. I just started to cry hysterically. I am having a baby. Will can’t die he just can’t. He can’t die. I can’t stop saying it. I can’t even remember what Jodi said.

I don’t want anyone else to know at CNN. I don’t want their pity. I just want this to go away.